Identity before Intimacy: Examining Erikson’s Theory of Development in Modern Dating

According to Erik Erikson’s theory of development, people must achieve a secure sense of identity before having the ability to form a mature, healthy, and intimate relationship. One must engage in a complex process in order to accommodate their personal identity when establishing a fulfilling romantic relationship. True intimacy requires one to redefine their identity in a manner that considers who they are as a partner, as well as shared values and interests within their relationship. When people in an intimate relationship do not accommodate their identity in this way, it can be viewed as self-absorption and ultimately lead to their partner feeling unsatisfied or lonely. Though it is also crucial to maintain aspects of personal identity that are considered valuable or unchangeable, while still making accommodations to begin viewing yourself in terms of an “us.” Partners cannot completely surrender their self-identity within relationships, and must integrate their many roles that exists across domains of life. Balancing the accommodation of one’s personal identity while maintaining crucial aspects of the self is what Erikson coined as “intimacy versus isolation” within his developmental model.

Erikson argued that personality development occurs throughout the lifespan by addressing conflicts that Erikson coined as “ego crises.” Each ego crisis occurs at a specific age range in the lifetime and one must successfully resolve one crisis before moving onto the next, thus working through the stages in a chronological order. The ego crises that must be addressed during adolescence/young adulthood is the “identity versus role confusion” conflict.  During this stage, a person strives to integrate all their identities, values, and morals into one cohesive sense of identity. Successfully maneuvering this conflict leads to a clear and multifaceted sense of identity that remains consistent across time and situation. This prepares an individual to then face the “intimacy versus isolation” crisis.

In modern society, it appears that overall psychological development has been postponed for young adults, thereby impacting the achievement of the previously described ego crises. This largely appears to be due to a prolonged phase of identity exploration. We have seen the average age at time of marriage and childbirth has continued to climb over time, suggesting young adults are taking more time to prioritize themselves and engage in ongoing self-identity development. People are prioritizing education, career, hobbies, travel, and other life experiences before settling down with a partner.

In addition, dating norms have changed the way in which young adults form intimate relationships. People are exposed to more potential partners than ever before due to dating apps and websites becoming widely popular. This can cause a sensation of overwhelm or anxiety due to the high number of options that appear to be present. People also have more options for how they would prefer a romantic relationship to look. Historically, gender has determined the roles within a relationship and served as an assumed foundation for how to build a life with a partner. Though the traditional gender ideals are surely still a viable option in relationship development, it is no longer an assumed position by all. More variability within acceptable gender norms further complicates the process of identity development that is assumed before engaging in a serious relationship. More so, other relationship structures have become acceptable and commonplace, including polyamory, swinging, intentional childfree relationships, and kink dynamics (e.g., BDSM, power exchange).

Thus, it appears that identity development has become more complicated as technology advances, people move away from traditional values, and more options for relationships are becoming acceptable. It then makes sense that we are seeing the formation of intimate relationships, marriages, and births occurring at a later age. Despite the valid reasons behind this shift, people may still be holding themselves to the expectations put in place during past generations, when identity and relationship development was more restrictive. Given the changes occurring in society at large, this is an unfair condition to place on oneself when maneuvering modern dating. It is not an indicator of one’s worth, personality, or other factors when evaluating why relationships are forming later in life than in previous generations.

Ultimately, it is in your best interest and the interest of your future partner to achieve a secure sense of identity before developing a vulnerable and intimate romantic relationship. This is crucial in order for a romantic relationship to be secure, adaptable, resilient, and fulfilling.